Why do you bite the hand that feeds you?

I feel liberated, I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel vengeful, I feel betrayed, I feel disconsolated, I feel desolated, I feel determined, I feel uplifted, I feel confused, I feel assured, I feel opinionated, I feel sick.

I feel apathetic, and just like the rest of my feelings, they are all contradictory. But we all have our reasons don't we? Maybe one day I will sit down just like Vernon, and talk about how I really feel.

"My head is saying no, but my heart keeps giving in. So hard to let it go, when it's there under my skin. Well if this is the face of a sinner, and if heaven was only for winners, well I don't care - cause I don't know anybody there. Thought that I'd let it slide, but it's me that's slipping in. Thought that I'd go for a ride, before this crash I'm dying in. Well if I'm judged on the life I've been living, and if heaven is not so forgiving, well I don't care - cause I don't know anybody there."

The best fucking album of the year.

"You don't live a life of decadence, you live a life of decayance."

Tomorrow I make great history channel... by driving up to Kuala Lumpur! Okay not exactly all the way, but half of the journey (Dad's doing the other half) - which should mean all the way to somewhere around Ipoh? It's gonna be awesome fun! Will be back only on Sunday night so looks like there won't be a chance to meet the army bros. Sigh.

Although I've created an event on Facebook already, people like Mukund who insist on being deviant and not signing up will not be able to see, so Mukund - please read this:

Brothers from other Mothers,

Q: When was the last time we ever got all FOURTEEN of us together for dinner?

A: NEVER.

Think about it! We've never actually managed to get the whole gang together before. Countless parties, dinners and whatever occasions we've had, it's always been the case where one or two cannot make it.

Therefore having discussed this with Cong and Brendan, we agreed that it's best that this dinner be planned way in advance for us to ensure that our schedules are clear so we can all be present!

The Guestlist will look something like this:

Aaron
Adriel
Amos
Ariel
Brendan
Daniel
Darren
Ernest
Iylia
Leon
Mukund
Ronald
Wilson
Yi Cong

Of course the exact date cannot be confirmed, but I'm hoping for it to be one of the Saturdays in October when the last batch of army boys have gone in, and completed their confinement period. The venue will probably be Windows By the Park at Holiday Inn (behind Meridien Hotel), which serves a pretty mean buffet for us hungry men. It shouldn't cost much, maybe $30+ very most $40 per person? And of course, afterdinner plans will be decided nearer to the date! (;

So.. With all that typed and done, I hope the awareness is generated and the willingness to put aside one Saturday night for a GREAT PROPER gathering will be prevalent in all of us.

It's no surprise that the reason why I'm creating this way way in advance is to ensure that we are all aware of this now, sp we'll be able to find a Saturday in October where all of us are definitely free. As Yi Cong says: "If got guard duty and everything nevermind just take MC can already."

Really hope that all of us can agree on a date, and make this earth shattering milestonic event come true!

Time and Place Start Time: Saturday, October 4, 2008 at 7:00pm
End Time: Saturday, October 25, 2008 at 12:00am
Location: Holiday Inn - Windows By the Park
City/Town: Singapore, Singapore

-

See you all next week!

They say it's possible to forgive and forget, I now say balls to that.

I might forget, but I will never forgive. It really is as simple as that.

The sign has come sooner than I expected. I can even diagnose it here, but will I even follow it? It links and falls into place so well that it's scary.

Mahjong, Dota @ Dome & Suppers are negative elements, symptoms include excessive spending, excessive smoking, extremely late nights/early mornings. This in turn leads to suffering acne outbreaks, being a broke mahhfucker, feeling tired the whole day and worst of all, remaining unfit and regretting it greatly cos all the previous training and sacrifice goes down the drain.

But that's been my life the past few months, what am I gonna do if I can even throw it all away?

I have turned 20. Yet I still wonder, what the fuck I am going to do with my life? I really have no idea, no direction at all. The way I lead my life, it doesn't help with anything. Yet I don't change willingly, because I can't seem to fight hard enough. I'm still waiting for a sign, for that path with shining light. Please - let it come soon.

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
'Cause this is just a game

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

Everyone's looking at me
I'm running around in circles, baby
A quiet desperation's building higher
I've got to remember this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me

--

One thing I've learnt: once you cross the line, things will never ever be the same again.

I am such a scum. Gahh

Life has been a struggle these past few months, but it's only gonna get worse - for the better of course. Currently, daily activities include push/pull ups, dips, a run around the neighbourhood, staving off cigarettes, drinks and masturbation (oops), DotA and driving the car around for family purposes. It's mundane to say the least, but at least I'm self-improving for once - not pleasuring. Sorry if that was cheesy haha.

It's more or less a countdown now to life in Civil Defence, and each day is flying by so fast that I kindda feel as if I were a part of "Where'd You Go" by Fort Minor and Holly Brook. What a weird comparison I know, but I'm listening to the song now so it kindda made a lot of sense. In parallel, I still ponder about how relationships turn from love to dust. Switch the track from Fort Minor to Nelly Furtado and Chris Martin's Why Do All Good Things Come to an End I guess? How many of you actually maintain a great friendship with your ex? It's hard really. If it's not because of the feelings of wanting a patch, then it's because of the past - which basically equates to discontent and several other negative adjectives that you might have no trouble thinking up. I'm still quite lost really. I'm just surprised that it's taking me so long to get over my plight, but I guess we grow up, we live life to the fullest, we love as much as we can and we learn when things go wrong. Convert the negative thoughts into positive energy to do something good and yada yada yada you get the idea. I digress though, because I just wanted to say that I hope the days will pass much faster than how they are passing now so a new (and hopefully) positive chapter in the book of life will open.

I miss Aaron, Ariel, Niven, Mukund, Darren, Jon, Adriel, Fysh, Bernie and everyone else that has already enlisted. Life will never get a chance to be how it was post Poly.